This is something I wrote last year…It is something I struggle with. Don’t all parents? Finding the delicate balance between talking and listening to our children is an art–one that I have yet to master, but I am working on it!
From the start, we listen for a cry or whimper. We love the first belly laugh. When the words start coming, we grab the video camera. We can’t wait to hear what they will say next.
But the newness wears off, or the sassiness starts–not sure which–and we start listening less. As the child grows and starts to have a life outside of us, we seem to get so fearful of losing our place in the sun that we spend much of our “together time” yammering away with the wisdom we so desperately need to impart. Our intentions are good, and of course, talking, teaching, and telling with words is a vital part of parenting.
The thing about talking, though, is that it only shows what the speaker is. Our talking doesn’t tell us one thing about the kid behind the ears. In order to know that kid, we eventually have to be quiet and give him or her a chance to get a word in edgewise.
Once the door has been opened, parents have to remember to actually hear what the child has to say. Give me a little credit here…I’m not talking about a kid having carte blanche to say anything, no matter how rude or disrespectful. I’m talking about listening to her when she says she doesn’t like Mrs. Distant, the art teacher. Letting her express her feelings and reasons–especially at the kitchen table–and not telling her she shouldn’t feel that way. A few thoughtful questions might not be a bad idea. Just take care not to drive the conversation always in the direction you want to go.
Sometimes I hear things from my children that just make me cringe. Sometimes I can’t hold my tongue. But I have found that the more I listen, the more they talk. This wasn’t such an issue at four and five, but it becomes more so as they grow older. If you want your kids to talk to you when they are teenagers, start listening to them today. Find out who they are and how they think. Show them, by listening, that you love them unconditionally and will always be interested in who they are and who they become.
I don’t have any children yet, but I am a high school teacher…. and as I was reading this post, I realized that the same holds true for teachers. If I really want to know my students and to help them learn, I’m going to need to be willing to listen to them, not just tell them my opinion. Thanks for the thought!