I am guilty of being an over-achieving mom. Translation: I have done too much for my children. Qualifier: Sometimes.
I remember when they were little (four and five), and I would sometimes make a little happy face out of lunch–you know, carrot stick eyebrows, PB&J sandwich triangles for eyes and nose, banana for a smiley, and pretzels for hair. It was pretty darned cute! And very appropriate for a mom to do when her children are four and five.
But trust me when I say, eventually and gradually, this treatment has to stop. Otherwise, the seventeen-year-old will starve to death because he has never had to make his own PB&J. He doesn’t even know where you keep the bread!
I have enjoyed being the nurturing, attentive mom. It has always made me feel good to feed and water my own little people, and to keep them in clean clothes.
But now, they are not so little.
Big Boy Shoes
Lots of Big Girl Shoes
Somehow, they both learned to be very responsible at life away from home. Since they were about in 4th grade, I haven’t had to hover over them to complete homework, to finish projects, and to turn in assignments. They learned to write stuff on my calendar and to give me permission slips to sign. And one of them will actually make herself some dinner, if absolutely necessary.
These are great things, and honestly, I am one proud mom. But I still have work to do. On me. I still have some control that I need to hand over. To them.
If children are to become independent adults, we have to relinquish our duties and be sure they are capable of taking care of themselves. I’m not talking cold turkey here, and I’m not talking about nine-year-olds making dinner and cleaning the kitchen…But they should be loading the dishwasher occasionally. Think age-appropriate chores.
This process of teaching independence is gradual and can really make the mother inside of us feel conflicted. Moms (and Dads) take care of their children. So, how can I not make my twelve-year-old breakfast and lunch every day? Why shouldn’t I clean his room for him? He’s just a kid. Right?
Yes. And no.
Kid, for now. But constantly changing and constantly growing up.
We start by teaching–which includes helping when they need it. Over the course of a few years, they eventually learn to make an egg sandwich and to cut grass. And I certainly pray they will learn to clean the toilet! This process will sometimes be painful–both for them and us. And we will backslide sometimes…I admit that I will make my teenagers lunch occasionally this summer, maybe out of a little mama guilt or maybe just because I want to.
But this summer I do have a plan, and it’s big. I am turning loose of laundry. There. I said it in black and white. First, I will show them. Then, I will write directions and tape them to the laundry room cabinet door. Then, I will put down the basket and walk away.
Piles of Sorted, Stinky Laundry
Will I feel guilty? Most likely–on some days. But it is time to be sure they are getting ready for life. On their own own, without a hovering, over-achieving, well-intentioned, spoiling mama. Because I want what is best for them. I want them to have the confidence they need to know they can handle life, and I want them to feel the pride that comes from that confidence. If I continue over-achieving, I will be taking away that opportunity.
Part of me might feel a little bad about getting them ready for life, but part of me will smile. Especially when I watch them scrub their own toilet.
The Bottomless Laundry Pit--The Birthplace of Independence
Your children will thank you one day. My three oldest can all sort their own laundry and the two oldest can do the whole process…although I must admit to putting the hanging clothes away for them more often than I should because I want it done my way! It is so easy to over do things for our kids…sometimes just because it causes less turmoil, but they do need to learn, so good job. Hope all goes well!
Great post!!! Age-appropriateness is key! I do know some adults who don’t even know where the bread is. I was talking to a friend once who had a cousin who never married, so he lived with his mom until she passed away. She never taught him how to do anything, so it was a big shocker when he had to live on his own. And sad, but a lot of my friends (we’re all about 30yo) don’t know how to cook, mainly because that job can be outsourced, but laundry, they had to learn now that some of them are out on their own. I love that my girl loves to help me bake and cook. At 18 months old she was my “mixer/stirrer” and now at 3 years old she helps me get the ingredients and measures the ingredients. Little steps, right? Not quite doing the laundry yet, but she does fold and put her own stuff away….most of the time….=p Anyhow, let us know how it goes!!!
Your kids will appreciate it. I’m the oldest of 10. Of all of us were either already taught, or will be taught (some are still quite young) to do laundry, cook basic meals & clean up after ourselves. They rotate the chores so we all knew how to clean a kitchen, bathroom, living room etc.