I remember when they were little (four and five), and I would sometimes make a little happy face out of lunch–you know, carrot stick eyebrows, PB&J sandwich triangles for eyes and nose, banana for a smiley, and pretzels for hair. It was pretty darned cute! And very appropriate for a mom to do when her children are four and five.

But trust me when I say, eventually and gradually, this treatment has to stop. Otherwise, the seventeen-year-old will starve to death because he has never had to make his own PB&J. He doesn’t even know where you keep the bread!

I have enjoyed being the nurturing, attentive mom. It has always made me feel good to feed and water my own little people, and to keep them in clean clothes.

But now, they are not so little.

Big Boy Shoes

Lots of Big Girl Shoes

Somehow, they both learned to be very responsible at life away from home. Since they were about in 4th grade, I haven’t had to hover over them to complete homework, to finish projects, and to turn in assignments. They learned to write stuff on my calendar and to give me permission slips to sign. And one of them will actually make herself some dinner, if absolutely necessary.

These are great things, and honestly, I am one proud mom. But I still have work to do. On me. I still have some control that I need to hand over. To them.

If children are to become independent adults, we have to relinquish our duties and be sure they are capable of taking care of themselves. I’m not talking cold turkey here, and I’m not talking about nine-year-olds making dinner and cleaning the kitchen…But they should be loading the dishwasher occasionally. Think age-appropriate chores.

This process of teaching independence is gradual and can really make the mother inside of us feel conflicted. Moms (and Dads) take care of their children. So, how can I not make my twelve-year-old breakfast and lunch every day? Why shouldn’t I clean his room for him? He’s just a kid. Right?

Yes. And no.

Kid, for now. But constantly changing and constantly growing up.

We start by teaching–which includes helping when they need it. Over the course of a few years, they eventually learn to make an egg sandwich and to cut grass. And I certainly pray they will learn to clean the toilet! This process will sometimes be painful–both for them and us. And we will backslide sometimes…I admit that I will make my teenagers lunch occasionally this summer, maybe out of a little mama guilt or maybe just because I want to.

But this summer I do have a plan, and it’s big. I am turning loose of laundry. There. I said it in black and white. First, I will show them. Then, I will write directions and tape them to the laundry room cabinet door. Then, I will put down the basket and walk away.

Piles of Sorted, Stinky Laundry

Will I feel guilty? Most likely–on some days. But it is time to be sure they are getting ready for life. On their own own, without a hovering, over-achieving, well-intentioned, spoiling mama. Because I want what is best for them. I want them to have the confidence they need to know they can handle life, and I want them to feel the pride that comes from that confidence. If I continue over-achieving, I will be taking away that opportunity.

Part of me might feel a little bad about getting them ready for life, but part of me will smile. Especially when I watch them scrub their own toilet.

The Bottomless Laundry Pit--The Birthplace of Independence

From the start, we listen for a cry or whimper. We love the first belly laugh. When the words start coming, we grab the video camera. We can’t wait to hear what they will say next.

But the newness wears off, or the sassiness starts–not sure which–and we start listening less. As the child grows and starts to have a life outside of us, we seem to get so fearful of losing our place in the sun that we spend much of our “together time” yammering away with the wisdom we so desperately need to impart. Our intentions are good, and of course, talking, teaching, and telling with words is a vital part of parenting.

The thing about talking, though, is that it only shows what the speaker is. Our talking doesn’t tell us one thing about the kid behind the ears. In order to know that kid, we eventually have to be quiet and give him or her a chance to get a word in edgewise.

Once the door has been opened, parents have to remember to actually hear what the child has to say. Give me a little credit here…I’m not talking about a kid having carte blanche to say anything, no matter how rude or disrespectful. I’m talking about listening to her when she says she doesn’t like Mrs. Distant, the art teacher. Letting her express her feelings and reasons–especially at the kitchen table–and not telling her she shouldn’t feel that way. A few thoughtful questions might not be a bad idea. Just take care not to drive the conversation always in the direction you want to go.

Sometimes I hear things from my children that just make me cringe. Sometimes I can’t hold my tongue. But I have found that the more I listen, the more they talk. This wasn’t such an issue at four and five, but it becomes more so as they grow older. If you want your kids to talk to you when they are teenagers, start listening to them today. Find out who they are and how they think. Show them, by listening, that you love them unconditionally and will always be interested in who they are and who they become.